Recently I got an e-mail from WordPress telling me it was time to renew my website and before I remembered that I had a blog I’m too scared to write on anymore, I got another email thanking me for my payment. I forgot I had enabled auto-renewal for this thing. So here I am trying to write a post.
Why did I stop writing? Unclear. Probably due to the pressure I have been putting on myself to constantly put out top-notch quality content all the time. Whether on-stage doing standup or improv practice. And when I’m not feeling perfect, I decide it’s better to not write at all. Even though these struggles are exactly why I decided to start a blog to begin with. Stupid anxiety. Trying to sabotage me at every turn.
What have I been struggling with lately? Besides feeling the need to be ‘on’ all the time? Probably finding something to do when the school year ends. Even though I love working with my kiddies and I super love being able to walk to work – I know that working in a preschool is not where I’m meant to be. Where am I meant to be? Excellent question. Ten points to Gryffindor. Unfortunately, I have no answer. Zero points to me.
I have a drawing hanging on my fridge that I made one day. It’s a quote I found on Pinterest that says “There is no elevator to success – you have to take the stairs.” I think about that quote a lot because I’m not even sure what success is. These days, I get to go on stage and tell jokes or improvise or host trivia. I love it. I don’t get paid for it. I’m not famous. But I love it. Is that success? I know what an elevator would look like – an opportunity to rise before I’m ready. But the stairs are tricky. Sometimes it feels like I’m not moving at all. Even worse, sometimes it feels like I’m taking steps backwards.
Recently, I’ve been meeting with people to glean more advice about certain industries. I was very fortunate to meet with comedian Myq Kaplan and ask him questions about his life as a full-time comic. I asked him how he dealt with setbacks and he said something I very much liked.
“I don’t even like the word setback. Nothing is a setback, as you are never further back than you were before. You are never ‘less than’ after an experience. You are always moving forward.”
So. That’s where I am these days. Moving forward whether I want to or not. Doing things I love and considering it not good enough. It may not be pretty and I may want to delete this whole post because I don’t think it’s funny or interesting enough but I won’t. I’ll post it. And maybe it will make want to write more tomorrow too. And then maybe the day after that.