Hello friends! It’s been ages!
I’ve been hibernating for the past few weeks. Trying to outsmart the cold by hiding under my blankets watching so many late-night episodes of Law and Order SVU that I’ve started having weird hyper-consensual sex dreams about District Attorney Rafael Barba. I know you were all wondering so now it’s out of the way and we can move on, OK?
I’ve been doing a couple of open-mics since last I was on stage. Trying to feel comfortable with the shrouded faceless blob staring back at me when I’m under the lights. But as I said, it’s been hella cold in NYC and I feel 60 degree and above weather is much more conducive to comedy and me voluntarily going outside.
But LUCKILY I did get an internship at the cult that started it all, Upright Citizen’s Brigade. I started last Thursday and I was super jazzed to clean the bathrooms, scan tickets and sit at the front booth looking all cool and bored (and please know that the previous sentence was not sarcastic at all! I really was jazzed! Because I’m a weirdo who likes doing menial tasks in super rad places. Like that time I had to give out bumper stickers for that Israeli TV station! I liked it!) I showed up at 4:59 pm to a seemingly empty theater. I wandered around. I picked up a mop and started looking for water. I saw the tech guy and was like “Hi? I’m Aviva? I’m new? What am I doing now?” and he was like “Here’s a tour of the theater!”
Eventually I found the other interns and the house manager and tried to bond with them but apparently everyone was not that into it. Not that they weren’t nice, they were a normal amount of nice. They were just not the same hyper “tell me your life story!” level I was up to. I don’t know why I’m like that – maybe it’s the journalist in me, maybe it’s me overcompensating for never talking to anyone until I was 15 years old. Maybe it’s lingering side effects from that weird growth in my neck that I got from watching my food cook in the microwave all the time. Who knows.
The main jobs during the shows are divided into three – sitting by the front desk, standing in the theater scanning tickets and making sure people turn off their phones during the shows (one of my ultimate joys), and sitting by the door in the bar making sure people don’t enter during a show. I got to see two shows, Thursday nights are stand-up night and the first show was great, talented people, good audience. The second show was horrendous and I begged my house manager to not make me watch it again. It was four bros on stage doing a power hour and talking about the worst ways they were ever dumped. And then they called up people from the audience (who were actually part of the show and ALSO doing shots) to come up and do a sketch or set or whatever. One guy’s “jokes” were all about how 9/11 was a super exciting day if you forget about all the dead people and another guy’s “”””jokes”””” was him taking off all his clothes and throwing chocolate donuts into the audience. A big no-no in the UCB theater if you were wondering.
I was in the bar for the second to last show, sitting at the little booth on the lookout for any shenanigans to shut down when I see John fucking Mulaney. Standing arm’s length away. I could have reached out and never let go! But something about my boss being right there told me that maybe that was frowned upon even more-so than chucking chocolate donuts in the theater. I’ve always prided myself as someone who was like “Ugh celebrities, they’re just NORMAL people – no need to freak out, they Febreze their clothes when they’re too lazy to do laundry just like everyone else.”
But embarrassingly enough my only thoughts were “Oh my goodness I’ve seen you on my television! And now you’re alive! In front of me! It’s amazing! You were on my Netflix! And you’re so tall” So I just stared, not saying a word. Until he saw me, made a weird smile/grimace and walked out of the bar. I’m sure he’ll think it’s a funny story when I retell it to him in a few years when we’re hanging out backstage at the Comedy Central Roast of Siri, or whatever they future is like.
That’s enough of an update for now! These SVU episodes aren’t going to watch themselves!
Have a wonderful Sunday you weirdos! XOXO