Hello children! I have returned, just as I promised.
The Fourth is over and done with and now we can all turn our attention to the next big thing we’re counting down to: Take Your Pants for a Walk Day! I don’t really understand it either, but some people really like their pants so don’t knock it. Man + Pants love 4evaaaaa make it legal already, it’s 2013 ammiright?
I hope you all had nice vacations, those of you who were off (sorry, Gadget). As I said ages ago, I was in Florida for the past week. Super excited to be in the sun, on the beach, in ma bikini and with ma best pals. Alas, 24 hours after we landed in Fort Lauderdale I am hacking up stuff and my head feels like it’s been filled with hot egg-drop soup. Spring Break! Time for my signature Robitussintini. (I’m joking, don’t drink that. You’ll literally have psychosis and be forced to write an awkward ‘humor’ column.)
It still turned out to be a pretty solid vacation. Joy and Liana have been like my sisters since 3rd grade. August marks the first time one of us, Joy, will be getting married and things will never be the same (DUN DUN). Which is why we obviously had to prank the shit out of her.
See, Tuesday, I was still talking with something like a gravelly smoker’s voice that would’ve let me fit right in with the leathery elderly gambling their social security away at the Hard Rock casino nearby so Joy and Liana decided to have an indoor day and because we have a limited understanding of what 23 year old chicks on vacation in Florida do for fun, we went to the Hollywood Science Museum. We were the only ones there over 19 who were not a parent or a camp counselor or lost. NO SHAME. Children’s science museums are awesome! (Except for the fact that you have to wait on line alone to take a picture in the fake mars rover while mothers give you the side-eye) But there’s touch-tanks and brain teaser puzzles and whatever the fuck this is!
There was also something that was a drunk-driving simulator. It looked like a arcade racing game except instead of putting in a coin, you plugged in your sex, age and how many “drinks” you’ve had. Then depending on your BAC, the game screen would change blurriness. Then it was your job to follow the GPS directions home without hitting anyone, speeding,or crashing into buildings while your wheel jolted and made you drift lanes. It was also timed, because everyone knows when you drive drunk it’s important to feel the pressure of making it home in time. The game should’ve specified a reason why you needed to get home in 2 min and 30 seconds, like maybe your parole officer was coming to visit or maybe you’re trying to catch your wife cheating again, but weirdly they didn’t. We watched two kids play before we did and both times they either rammed their car into oncoming traffic or turned too early and slammed into a school. Joy’s turn, she had 6 “drinks” but then maneuvered her car all the way home without any violations. The screen said “Congratulations! You made it home in time with no speeding tickets or collisions.” Don’t you think a game like this should ALWAYS BE RIGGED TO LOSE? I mean, we knew it was a joke and that drunk driving is probably a bad idea but kids are dumb, what does “winning” this game show them? The game should be, enter your information and oh no, the car won’t start because your friends took your keys away. The end. You still win.
Oh, so the prank. We had finished the museum at 3 p.m., the same time Liana’s dad was supposed to pick us up but his phone was off. We sat outside the museum watching children chase pigeons like the creepers we were. At some point Liana and I decided to explore the gift shop while Joy watched our stuff (ie 5 boxes of Zours we bought at Walgreens for lunch). In the gift shop we noticed a basket full of fake but EXTREMELY realistic looking cockroaches. We didn’t even have to say anything to each other. Our minds were one. We needed a fake cockroach to hide in the shower for Joy. At 27 cents a roach it was definitely worth it.
Later that night, we planted it in the shower and waited outside. “No, no, no!!” We heard from inside. Joy ran out in a towel. “There is a HUGE big in the shower!” she shouted. We started cracking up. She was confused. Until we explained the bug was plastic. She was mad but we WERE NOT SATISFIED with her response. We decided to do the prank right this time and so we put it on Liana’s mom’s couch cushion. And waited again.
“Ugh! A bug!! Get it out!” we heard her yell to her husband. “Don’t squish it on the couch!” “It’s so big! Get rid of it!” Liana’s dad got a paper towel and grabbed the bug about to throw it outside, but Liana (who realized her newfound best friend, whom she named Crazy Tony since we had been watching Honey Boo Boo all week was going to be thrown far into the yard) jumped on her dad’s back. “NO! DON’T THROW IT!” as her dad tossed it onto the ground.
Then he watched in horror as Liana went after the cockroach and put it right into her mouth. “HAVE YOU BEEN DRINKING?!” he shouted at her. “WHATS WRONG WITH YOU GET THAT OUT OF YOUR MOUTH!” Liana spit it into her hand laughing, “It’s fake! It’s fake!” He didn’t hear her and slapped it out of her hand. Thus a new member of our group was born. Crazy Tony would come everywhere with us the rest of the week. Liana took him out at the airport to more than one’s person’s confusion.
Later that night we were in bed at 1 a.m.(or three beds pushed together because why would you sleep any other way?) when a REAL 3 inch cockroach started climbing on the walls. Liana ran to beg her dad to get rid of it.
“Why don’t you just put it in your mouth?” he answered dryly.
Alas, now I am back in Baltimore after spending the weekend in New York. Work starts back up tomorrow. My article about the celebrities in Baltimore actually did get published but after other reporters added more interviews. Whatevs, I still helped and I don’t have to read any more information about One Direction’s new tattoos! Happy Day!