Training for TMZ

27 Jun

Hewwo fwends,

Today I had to finish up an article about celebrity gossip with is the living worst (of this enriching prestigious unpaid internship for which I am very fortunate) because I freaking hate celebrities.

I mean, sometimes celebrities are cool when they do interesting things like punch police horses while high on cocaine or  wear dresses made out of meat steaks but sometimes the “news” is that a celebrity ate a salad. And wore a shirt. And that can be a four paragraph article. That’s not news.

In case you were wondering, here is a list of things like to write about from most-fave to least-fave, and if you are not wondering then go to CNN or something more educational.

1. Myself 

2. Interesting people who do things and who are passionate about shit they’re doing.

3. Crazy people who do crazy/horrible things and are say crazy stuff (preferably to me so I can write about it)

4. Mayor Bloomberg

I never give up an opportunity to use this photo.

I never give up an opportunity to use this photo. (Pictured: Mayor Grouchypants and Obama)

5. Sports

6. Puppies drowned in a terrible accident. 

7. The numerous amount of times homeless people were mean to me (starting with that asshole at the shelter I was volunteering at when I was 16 who made fun of my Target-brand Converse when he had the real kind. WHATEVER MAN AT LEAST I HAVE A HOUSE). 

8. Celebrity gossip

I had an article written up about celeb-spottings in Baltimore. The exchange between me and my editor went something like this (p.s.the example is also totally made up)

Julianne Moore stopped by Handbag in the City in Harbor East to buy a dress last Wednesday.


Editor: “It’s a good start, but you need more detail. Why was she in town? What did she buy? How much? Get into US Weekly mode and get as much information as you can.”

Julianne Moore was in town filming for her new movie and stopped in Handbag In the City which is located in Harbor East. She was coming from shopping at Whole Foods. She bought a blue Diane Von Furstenberg dress for $450. According to the owner, Moore was very polite.

“Ok, that’s better. But more about the interaction. What did the employees think of her? Were they nervous about selling to a celebrity? It needs more interaction, what did she say? How did she act? More details.”

Julianne Moore ran her fingers over the cornflower blue Diane Von Furstenberg dress and sighed. The color reminded her of the sky at her grandmother’s house she used to spend summers at when she was a child. She reminded herself to call her grandmother later. She raised her eyes to see a woman and her daughter whispering to each other, looking in her direction. She and wondered if she had any energy to smile for the inevitable picture they would ask for. She had spent all day filming and wanted to go home and cook dinner. Her stomach rumbled and she glanced at her Whole Foods bag. “Soon,” she thought. She decided not to try on the dress and just brought it over to the register where a blonde  woman, wearing all black snuck peeks at her while she rang her credit cards. “Thanks,” Julianne smiled. Surprisingly, it didn’t hurt. 

“I said I didn’t want a receipt!”

Can you imagine if I turned in an article like that? Obviously I didn’t, I just called the store back and they were happy to talk about their celebrity clientele forever and ever and ever until the end of the time and all that’s left is $400 Nicole Miller bags used as oxygen masks by mutants. By the end I had 1,100 words on what had originally been about 300. But, that’s what people want to read and as long as I’m an intern and people tell me what to write, that’s what I’m going to do.

Anyways, I might have to take a little blog break my chikadees because I am going to Florida tonight with my friends, Joy and Liana. Joy is getting married in August and this is our Bachelorette/Goodbye party for her. Also vaca for me because i work 15 hours a week and I’m tired. 

See ya after 4th of July babycakes!

See ya after Fourth of July, jellybeans!

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