In Which I Debate the Pros/Cons of a Nude Superhero

But first, how was your weekend? Mine was good thanks for asking, I spent Shabbat with my Boyfriend (hi Ari!) in Teaneck, New Jersey. If you’ve never been to Teaneck just imagine a cute house, a sweet little grassy park, a bunch of Kosher cafes and Jews milling about because that’s all I’ve ever seen of Teaneck. Oh, and a sign that says “No Smoking in Park” with the word No crossed out in Sharpie and under those words, written “Smoking weed in park is OK!!” which seemed legit. So if you imagined that well then you really don’t need to visit.

Saturday, we played Trivial Pursuit with a bunch of his friends. Playing Trivial Pursuit with teams is great if you want to foster competition between teams and also breed contempt for your own teammates. Because when you have a few people second-guessing answers and then finally just going with the person who seems most sure, it can lead to you shouting “AH WHY DID I LISTEN YOU YOU ABOUT SEX AND CITY QUESTIONS OBVIOUSLY THE ANSWER WAS KIM CATRALL AHHH EVERYONE IS DUMB” to people who have formed only a tentative opinion about your mental health. Plus I’m not very good at competition as evidenced by the time I threw a air-hockey puck at Ari’s head at Dave and Busters that one time. By the end of the game it almost feels better when your team says a different answer than yours when you turn out to be right so you can act all superior when it comes to Scooby Doo trivia.

Also this weekend,  Ari and I traded books so I had to read a Superman comic since 1. He has a mild obsession with Superman (or maybe it’s normal for every 24 year old dude to have their grandmothers sew capes onto their Superman T-shirts?) and 2. I recommended he read “I Left My Tent in San Francisco,” a memoir I picked up when I was in London and  probably the funniest book I’ve ever read – I highly highly demand you read it. Now. I’ll wait while you order it off Amazon for ONE PENNY.

So I read The Red Son comic which is about what would happen if Superman landed in Russia instead of America. And it was interesting, I definitely didn’t know what was going to happen – and that’s pretty rare when I read. Also Batman wear a Ushanka with bat ears. Maybe the most adorable thing ever. I want one.

Nothing strikes fear into your enemies more than a fierce accessory.
Nothing strikes fear into your enemies more than a fierce accessory.

But since I’m clearly just going to be forced to look at/ read about Superman forever. I was thinking about him on my way down to Baltimore and had a question. “Why doesn’t Superman just fight nude?” And I’m not asking because I’m some perv who wants to see Henry Cavill naked (Tom Welling on the other hand… JK) and have children exposed to some naked role model but hear me out. I have reasons:

1. It’s not like his outfit is bullet proof, he’s indestructible. His spandex offers no protection at all so he’s not wearing it for that reason.

2. His costume isn’t like Under Armor  or something, it’s not keeping him warm or cold – obviously if Supes can hang out in his ice castle with little to no protection from the elements, he doesn’t need his suit then.

3. He’s like a perfect specimen. I’m not saying only perfect bodies should be naked but it can’t be a reason he needs wear clothes. Also, he’s immortal and I imagine that immortal people wouldn’t feel shame or embarrassment since you just have a different perception of time and the human experience plus you’d just think that all these people will die some day and/or forget the memory. Plus they’re humans, what does he care what they think as long as he’s keeping them alive. And I assume that if Superman is saving your ass, you’re not gonna comment on his.

4. Less clothing allows you to fly faster, also that cape is hella loud when he makes an entrance. No fluttering cape or boots make for quieter sneaking around.

5. I’m not saying Lex Luthor is homophobic or anything but I’m sure it’d be intimidating to fight an all-powerful being who is also totally naked – it’s the element of surprise and also awkwardness! Villains would be like “This is uncomfortable can we just hold off on the fight until you get a towel or something?” and Superman would be like “Nope! *superpunch*”

The only drawback would be for when he hooks up with Lois Lane – she might be fooled by his glasses disguise but I feel like she might be like “Something looks familiar…” Also I don’t know if he hooks up with Lois? I’m going to ask Ari. BRB. He says “It depends on the story” so OK, in my story that’s what happens. Also, even though I’m not crazy about the Man of Steel – the comic book medium was v. rad to me, if you have any suggestions for me I’d love to take recommendations.

Anyways, today I stopped by the organic clothing store that I have permission to write about for a features story this week. Usually stores are pretty pumped to have free publicity but the dude who owns the store (the Jeff Daniels look-alike if you’re following along) is intense. He speaks very intensely. He asked what reassurance he had that I wasn’t going to smear his eco-friendly store with some expose and I said “Umm..because I’m an intern writing a fluffy piece for the style-section?” I never really had a run-in with someone who didn’t want to be interviewed but I guess it’s responsible for people to be distrustful of the big bad media. I can’t really emphasize since I just tell everyone everything and literally give strangers my debit card Pin code (true story, total accident though).

But then again, I’m not the one being interviewed.


4 Comments Leave a comment

  1. Clark Kent is the epitome of small town, simple country boy. He just happens to be an all powerful being. His midwestern moral compass is what always let him have ultimate power but stave off the corruption that such power usually entails.

    Also, Hi Ari!

  2. No, sorry I was really vague about what I was trying to get at…he’s a small town boy, he’s very modest and down-to-earth, he wouldn’t fly around naked (though think how hilarious the whole ‘its a bird, its a plane. Nope, its a sugar schlong’ bit could be) because its against his character.

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