So in an effort to add structure to my wayward, directionless life I decided to commit to only writing this blog on Tuesdays and Thursdays when I actually go into work, but for some reason I have a lot to say for someone who spent the hours of 10 a.m. to 5 p.m. at a Starbucks at Mt. Washington working on a paper/reading about kitschy DIY decorating tips on Buzzfeed (every so often they’ll throw in a ‘Hang up a Vintage Chandelier” like BuzzFeed readers have spare chandeliers hanging around/rooms to decorate. My parents basement is already furnished thanks very much BuzzFeed!).
Anyways, Baltimore is turning out to be filled to the brim with surprises! I thought it was all race riots and beauty parlors (I might’ve based my perception on Hairspray) but today I traveled about 2 miles from my apartment to the most DARLING little area. A Starbucks in some sort of converted warehouse, a Whole Foods and an organic clothing store. I wandered into the clothing shop where this man who kind of looked like Jef Daniels asked me if I knew anything about hemp or soy bean pod clothing. I didn’t (surprise). He was nice and educated me a bit about how when we wear clothes made by sweatshop children, we all get in bad moods but when it’s light and organic clothes from fair-trade, we feel better!
I responded that you could never have too many soy bean dresses, but 68 dollars?! For a tie-dye tank-top!? I’ll stick to my Indonesian H&M sweatshops, tnx. But seriously, are people mad because their clothes were made by starving Chinese people? I feel pretty good when I buy new clothes, but maybe it’s all a lie? Discuss. Also I think he could tell from my face after I saw a price-tag that “I wouldn’t be supporting the store today,” but I told him I’d keep his store in mind.
But it all turned out all right because LOOK WHAT WAS OUTSIDE THE STARBUCKS:
What is that? Why is there a magical fairyland in the backyard? Why is there a ladder leading you into it? How do I get to that bench? So many questions.
Waiting in line at Starbucks I was like this is so cute, people are being so sweet! Why can’t we have this in NY?! And then after waiting 13 minutes because the barista had to say hello to every single baby, and talk to everyone for a bazillion years I was like “THIS. THIS IS WHY. Because I don’t have the patience to stand here while you play peek-a-boo with every toddler. THEY’RE TODDLERS. There are literally hundreds of them. Play with them on your own damn time! I have important BuzzFeed “articles” to post on Facebook!”
Speaking of terrible transitions, I saw the new Superman movie Saturday night. I WANTED TO LIKE IT. I REALLY DID. I’M SORRY. I TRIED SO HARD. And I didn’t mean to turn this blog into ‘Aviva Reviews Movies She Knows Nothing About’ but it’s happening. I can’t stop it. The wheels are in motion. Please don’t read this if you’re worried about the ending although I don’t really know how I could even spoil it since it’s a Superman movie. There are no twists.
1. Nobody in this movie acts like how a normal person would act when confronted with alien beings. Clark Kent is surprisingly cavalier when his dad tells him. Like “Oh, I’m an alien! That makes sense! I thought I was autistic since this sensory overload that happens to me in class fits kind of those symptoms but OK, this makes sense too.” And even when he comes home after meeting his dad’s alien hologram he’s like to his mom “Hey! Guess what. I met my dad! Like a ghost of him. But whatever, we’re bros now.” And his mom asks NO questions, she’s just like “I remember when you were a baby are it was really hard for you to breathe.” OKAY DOKES. Normal reaction. Moving on. Nothing to see here.
2. At some point, baby Clark Kent gets shoved off a bus where these kids are like “Is that all ya got, huh? huh?” while Clark just stares bewildered at them. Then the bully’s says “Okay bye” and like 14 kids follow him. But they’re at some welding barn and Clark’s dad comes out and he’s like “Clark are you OK?!” So these kids brought Clark to his DAD’S JOB to beat him up?! And then they walked away into a field after he didn’t respond? It was so random, I know there are no dark alleys in Kansas but there’s gotta be other places to beat someone up than their dad’s metal welding barn thing.
3. There was 160 MILLION dollars worth of product placement in this movie. And it shows. IHOP was literally a central location for the plot. I was half expecting someone to say “Oh no! Zad’s laser is pointing directly at Metropolis! He’s going to destroy Sears! And they have such great Father’s Day sales going on right now on the latest grilling and gardening tools!”
The rest is just little things like, I like how Lois Lane dresses like a reporter (i.e. button down shirts, sweater vests and grey cardigans – our official uniform), or how Zad is like “DO YOU KNOW HOW LONG IVE BEEN SEARCHING FOR YOU?” and everyone could’ve been like umm…33 years? However old Clark is? The math’s really not hard bro. Why you so mad?
SPOILERS OVER. (Unless it’s a spoiler that Henry Cavill’s Superman has no personality)
Thus concludes my angry thoughts on Superman and why baristas shouldn’t talk to toddlers…yeesh, that doesn’t sound too good. These sweatshop pajamas are getting me all moody. Time to go look at more kitschy DIY on BuzzFeed! BRB
Here’s a picture of puppies in overalls!