DAMMIT NANCY

12 Jun

After a little trip up to New York for my close friend’s Bridal Shower, I am back in Maryland. This morning when I was getting dressed my sister texted me “How was the shower??” and I thought she was referring to the shower I had just stepped out of and I was like PSYCHIC POWERS. That’s life when you literally forget everything that hasn’t happened in the past hour. I’m a goldfish today. At work I was in the elevator with one of the interns and I saw that they change the newspaper they hang up in the elevator every day, so I pointed to it and said “Oh, it says June 11th, I didn’t realize they changed the…the….the thing..” and the girl said “…the …front page?” “Yes! That’s it.” Have I mentioned today that I’m a journalism major?

Anyways, driving back from NY yesterday was terrifying. For some reason it is tornado/monsoon season in Baltimore and I was in Delaware, literally unable to see anything because of the rain. I couldn’t pull over either because I was in the left lane and also I was too busy wondering if I could telepathically say good-bye to my friends and family if I slid off the road. Then my soothing country music station got cut off my “EERRNNN ERRNNN ERNN THIS IS A MESSAGE FROM THE NATIONAL WEATHER STATION THERE IS A TORNADO WARNING FOR ALL DELAWARE COUNTIES PLEASE FIND SHELTER IMMEDIATELY” which is just the thing you want to hear when you’re trying to convince yourself you won’t die because of rain. I decided to just keep going straight because it’s probably be more dangerous to change lanes or blink than to just drive the last 30 minutes. Wtf Balitmore? Stop trying to kill me all the time. I thought we were friends.

Today was the second week of working as an intern at the paper. I took the lead on some Tweets which is a tiny bit problematic because my editor has some  interesting unresolved vendetta against exclamation points and they are henceforth verboten in the office. So a Tweet about an article highlighting the best TV Dads just in time for Father’s Day comes off a little strange.

Tweet with exclamation point: “It’s almost Father’s Day and it’s time to thank that special man who helped raise and take care of you – your TV dad!”

Tweet without exclamation point: “”It’s almost Father’s Day and it’s time to thank that special man who helped raise and take care of you – your TV dad.”

The first one is clearly playful and engaging – come click this whimsical link! The second is serious, like I’m a psychopath who thought that Dr. Huxtable could hear me through the TV. (He could! He loves me!) Also the article itself was a little off, I mean Jay Pritchett from Modern Family, a best TV dad? Isn’t half the show about the psychological damage he did to his children? And I can’t take Danny Tanner seriously since reading Full House Reviewed.

After Tweeting was done, I headed over to Caramel’s pizza to meet up with a couple of friends. Did you know they have $15 all-you-can-eat Sushi on Tuesday?? Get on that bros. We also stopped at Seven Mile Market for a couple of food-related items and this place has a bunch of those teeny-tiny shopping carts for kids, which is usually adorable but since this supermarket is kosher and chock full ‘o Jews there were about 2x as many babies with carts than people with carts. At first I was like Ugh I can barely navigate full sized people+carts now I have to worry about knee-height babies and carts?! But THEN I had the BEST idea to do if I had a toddler (or ya know, if you wanna lend me one). I’d discretely fill up their baby shopping cart with booze and then when we got to the register and he/she pushed it over to me I’d act all surprised and be like “DAMMIT NANCY YOU’RE NOT BACK ON THE WAGON LIKE YOU TOLD ME! DO WE NEED ANOTHER INTERVENTION?” And bonus points if she cries because it’ll make it look more convincing.

My search for “Baby cart filled with booze” yielded this awesome shirt.

 

And this concludes my musings on tornadoes, exclamation points and hilarious tips for mothers.

 

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