Archive | June, 2013

Training for TMZ

27 Jun

Hewwo fwends,

Today I had to finish up an article about celebrity gossip with is the living worst (of this enriching prestigious unpaid internship for which I am very fortunate) because I freaking hate celebrities.

I mean, sometimes celebrities are cool when they do interesting things like punch police horses while high on cocaine or  wear dresses made out of meat steaks but sometimes the “news” is that a celebrity ate a salad. And wore a shirt. And that can be a four paragraph article. That’s not news.

In case you were wondering, here is a list of things like to write about from most-fave to least-fave, and if you are not wondering then go to CNN or something more educational.

1. Myself 

2. Interesting people who do things and who are passionate about shit they’re doing.

3. Crazy people who do crazy/horrible things and are say crazy stuff (preferably to me so I can write about it)

4. Mayor Bloomberg

I never give up an opportunity to use this photo.

I never give up an opportunity to use this photo. (Pictured: Mayor Grouchypants and Obama)

5. Sports

6. Puppies drowned in a terrible accident. 

7. The numerous amount of times homeless people were mean to me (starting with that asshole at the shelter I was volunteering at when I was 16 who made fun of my Target-brand Converse when he had the real kind. WHATEVER MAN AT LEAST I HAVE A HOUSE). 

8. Celebrity gossip

I had an article written up about celeb-spottings in Baltimore. The exchange between me and my editor went something like this (p.s.the example is also totally made up)

Julianne Moore stopped by Handbag in the City in Harbor East to buy a dress last Wednesday.


Editor: “It’s a good start, but you need more detail. Why was she in town? What did she buy? How much? Get into US Weekly mode and get as much information as you can.”

Julianne Moore was in town filming for her new movie and stopped in Handbag In the City which is located in Harbor East. She was coming from shopping at Whole Foods. She bought a blue Diane Von Furstenberg dress for $450. According to the owner, Moore was very polite.

“Ok, that’s better. But more about the interaction. What did the employees think of her? Were they nervous about selling to a celebrity? It needs more interaction, what did she say? How did she act? More details.”

Julianne Moore ran her fingers over the cornflower blue Diane Von Furstenberg dress and sighed. The color reminded her of the sky at her grandmother’s house she used to spend summers at when she was a child. She reminded herself to call her grandmother later. She raised her eyes to see a woman and her daughter whispering to each other, looking in her direction. She and wondered if she had any energy to smile for the inevitable picture they would ask for. She had spent all day filming and wanted to go home and cook dinner. Her stomach rumbled and she glanced at her Whole Foods bag. “Soon,” she thought. She decided not to try on the dress and just brought it over to the register where a blonde  woman, wearing all black snuck peeks at her while she rang her credit cards. “Thanks,” Julianne smiled. Surprisingly, it didn’t hurt. 

“I said I didn’t want a receipt!”

Can you imagine if I turned in an article like that? Obviously I didn’t, I just called the store back and they were happy to talk about their celebrity clientele forever and ever and ever until the end of the time and all that’s left is $400 Nicole Miller bags used as oxygen masks by mutants. By the end I had 1,100 words on what had originally been about 300. But, that’s what people want to read and as long as I’m an intern and people tell me what to write, that’s what I’m going to do.

Anyways, I might have to take a little blog break my chikadees because I am going to Florida tonight with my friends, Joy and Liana. Joy is getting married in August and this is our Bachelorette/Goodbye party for her. Also vaca for me because i work 15 hours a week and I’m tired. 

See ya after 4th of July babycakes!

See ya after Fourth of July, jellybeans!

Misadventures in Stranger Danger Reporting

26 Jun

Last summer, I worked for a little news site called Queens Beat. It was fun working there because I had a lot of freedom to choose stories, write creatively and set my own schedule. Overall I had a positive experience. But one time at work still sticks out as one of the worst experiences as a journalist (with today’s experience coming in at like 3rd).

I was covering the Forest Hill’s summer fair, interviewing little venders selling tchotchkes and cake-pops and taking photographs of children on jumpy castles (because nothing makes you feel more creepy than being alone and taking photos of other people’s unattended children).

I took this! Whose child is this? I have no idea.

I took this! Whose child is this? I have no idea.

I was snapping photos of a nicely-dressed Jewish woman rummaging through a pile of T-shirts at a booth when her younger friend or daughter put up her hand like some sort of B-list celebrity and said “Please no pictures!”

The older woman ran up to me and demanded to know why I was taking photos. I explained that I was a reporter and covering the fair. She got all worked up and started screaming about how I wasn’t allowed to take photos without people’s permission and that I delete her photo immediately. I decided not to be a jerk and I showed her while I deleted the photo. “Did you take more pictures of  me or other people?!” she screamed. “Give me your camera! I’m going to delete them!”

I actually laughed in her face. “Do you think I’m stalking you or something? Do you think I’m following you around this fair snapping pictures of you looking at shitty earrings??” I asked.

“Give me your camera!” she shouted again. “I’m going to call the police!”

At this point I just jutted out my chin, “Call them,” I dared. And then slowly started walking away as she screamed after me. I was rattled but mad that I didn’t know the laws of photography in public. Was she right? On my way home I stopped two cops and related the story, asking them what they would do if she had really called them. They looked at each other and one simply responded “laugh?”

Ah, NYC cops always having a good time out there.

Ah, NYC cops always having a good time out there.

Later, I looked up the laws in NY and learned that basically if you’re in a public place, you can take pictures of whoever and whatever you want – with or without their permission (unless they’re actually trying to be hidden, weirdly enough). And if you’re in a private place, like a store – the owners can ask you to stop taking pictures or make you leave but no one, not even the police have the right to make you delete pictures. I wish I could run into this lady one day and be like “YOU WERE WRONG” and possibly stick my tongue out at her. I didn’t even want to use her dumb face in my story. (So, if an obnoxious older Jewish woman from Forest Hills sounds familiar – it might be the one – tell her to call me.)

So, I had been working on this eco-friendly store story. I mentioned to you guys that I stopped by to set up an interview with the owner yesterday evening, and he was very suspicious of the story. Thinking I was going to portray the store as some sort of head-shop because some things were made from hemp. As much as I tried to explain that I think the concept of organic clothing was interesting to readers or why someone would open a store like this, he still wanted to make it clear he did not want to be interviewed, “If I’m not in style, I can never be out of style,” he added cryptically.

I left the store with plans to meet up the next day, happy to make progress on the story. I stopped in Whole Foods to pick up some milk (at some point I need to discuss how hard it is to shop for one person – I keep thinking I can stock up on things like milk and bread without realizing I’m the only one drinking it). I had walked around for 15 minutes and was paying at the register and turned around to see the owner standing right behind me. A little started, I said “Oh, hello again…” and he asked for a card. I explained that I was an intern and didn’t have one – but I gave him my email address.

I was leaving the store when I realized just how alone I am in Baltimore (and how much I keep talking about it online). And how if someone ever followed me home, really who would know if I was murdered? It also doesn’t help that my film class keeps making me watch movies chock full ‘o gore (No Country For Old Men or rather Why Did We Fire the Sound Technician I Can’t Hear A Damn Thing alternate title MumbleCity2000)

Today at work, I checked my e-mail at noon to see an e-mail from him. It started out really nice, saying how flattered he was to have me show interest in the store. and then this:

 I personally did not feel that comfortable and at ease at all when you stopped in the shop yesterday and offered your proposal for doing a story on my shop. Reason being and for your consideration of course, you seemed nervous which in turn made me feel nervous about doing an interview for promotional purposes with you.

What? I am nervous because my job is talking to strangers and I am better more suited to the Twitterverse. Also, harsh because when I stopped by the store I was in full on reporter-mode, with my tape recorder and iron constitution. I guess that wasn’t apparent.

Also, I felt there was no representation as to what newspaper or journal you are representing which did not instill confidence in me at all that our interview and experience would be accurate and in the best intentions of all parties involved. Please let’s hold OFF on our 3pm appointment today.

Why would I be writing a FAKE article about a store? Why would someone pretend to be a reporter, then act all nervous about the interview? I can’t stop trying to think of the endgame of this nefarious long-con idea. What exactly would I have to expose of his shop? That it was empty? That seaweed skirts are so last year?

My editor offered to call the owner to vouch for me, but I think I’m going to be sticking to my sweatshop-friendly sundresses and staying far, far away.

The thing I like best about reporting the meeting the people behind the event, store, charity, protest. The human aspect of it is what I like to discover the most. But sometimes that human aspect is crazier than Kim and Kanye’s concept of appropriate baby names (topical!)

Anyways, in other news: Me!

Not pictured: My hilarious jokes about being drunk at 11 a.m. which they unfortunately cut out.

Not pictured: My hilarious jokes about being drunk at 11 a.m. which they unfortunately cut out.

If you’re wondering why one article says J and the other is because one is my alter ego and one is me. I’m actually a superhero and that’s my pseudonym.

In Which I Debate the Pros/Cons of a Nude Superhero

24 Jun

But first, how was your weekend? Mine was good thanks for asking, I spent Shabbat with my Boyfriend (hi Ari!) in Teaneck, New Jersey. If you’ve never been to Teaneck just imagine a cute house, a sweet little grassy park, a bunch of Kosher cafes and Jews milling about because that’s all I’ve ever seen of Teaneck. Oh, and a sign that says “No Smoking in Park” with the word No crossed out in Sharpie and under those words, written “Smoking weed in park is OK!!” which seemed legit. So if you imagined that well then you really don’t need to visit.

Saturday, we played Trivial Pursuit with a bunch of his friends. Playing Trivial Pursuit with teams is great if you want to foster competition between teams and also breed contempt for your own teammates. Because when you have a few people second-guessing answers and then finally just going with the person who seems most sure, it can lead to you shouting “AH WHY DID I LISTEN YOU YOU ABOUT SEX AND CITY QUESTIONS OBVIOUSLY THE ANSWER WAS KIM CATRALL AHHH EVERYONE IS DUMB” to people who have formed only a tentative opinion about your mental health. Plus I’m not very good at competition as evidenced by the time I threw a air-hockey puck at Ari’s head at Dave and Busters that one time. By the end of the game it almost feels better when your team says a different answer than yours when you turn out to be right so you can act all superior when it comes to Scooby Doo trivia.

Also this weekend,  Ari and I traded books so I had to read a Superman comic since 1. He has a mild obsession with Superman (or maybe it’s normal for every 24 year old dude to have their grandmothers sew capes onto their Superman T-shirts?) and 2. I recommended he read “I Left My Tent in San Francisco,” a memoir I picked up when I was in London and  probably the funniest book I’ve ever read – I highly highly demand you read it. Now. I’ll wait while you order it off Amazon for ONE PENNY.

So I read The Red Son comic which is about what would happen if Superman landed in Russia instead of America. And it was interesting, I definitely didn’t know what was going to happen – and that’s pretty rare when I read. Also Batman wear a Ushanka with bat ears. Maybe the most adorable thing ever. I want one.

Nothing strikes fear into your enemies more than a fierce accessory.

Nothing strikes fear into your enemies more than a fierce accessory.

But since I’m clearly just going to be forced to look at/ read about Superman forever. I was thinking about him on my way down to Baltimore and had a question. “Why doesn’t Superman just fight nude?” And I’m not asking because I’m some perv who wants to see Henry Cavill naked (Tom Welling on the other hand… JK) and have children exposed to some naked role model but hear me out. I have reasons:

1. It’s not like his outfit is bullet proof, he’s indestructible. His spandex offers no protection at all so he’s not wearing it for that reason.

2. His costume isn’t like Under Armor  or something, it’s not keeping him warm or cold – obviously if Supes can hang out in his ice castle with little to no protection from the elements, he doesn’t need his suit then.

3. He’s like a perfect specimen. I’m not saying only perfect bodies should be naked but it can’t be a reason he needs wear clothes. Also, he’s immortal and I imagine that immortal people wouldn’t feel shame or embarrassment since you just have a different perception of time and the human experience plus you’d just think that all these people will die some day and/or forget the memory. Plus they’re humans, what does he care what they think as long as he’s keeping them alive. And I assume that if Superman is saving your ass, you’re not gonna comment on his.

4. Less clothing allows you to fly faster, also that cape is hella loud when he makes an entrance. No fluttering cape or boots make for quieter sneaking around.

5. I’m not saying Lex Luthor is homophobic or anything but I’m sure it’d be intimidating to fight an all-powerful being who is also totally naked – it’s the element of surprise and also awkwardness! Villains would be like “This is uncomfortable can we just hold off on the fight until you get a towel or something?” and Superman would be like “Nope! *superpunch*”

The only drawback would be for when he hooks up with Lois Lane – she might be fooled by his glasses disguise but I feel like she might be like “Something looks familiar…” Also I don’t know if he hooks up with Lois? I’m going to ask Ari. BRB. He says “It depends on the story” so OK, in my story that’s what happens. Also, even though I’m not crazy about the Man of Steel – the comic book medium was v. rad to me, if you have any suggestions for me I’d love to take recommendations.

Anyways, today I stopped by the organic clothing store that I have permission to write about for a features story this week. Usually stores are pretty pumped to have free publicity but the dude who owns the store (the Jeff Daniels look-alike if you’re following along) is intense. He speaks very intensely. He asked what reassurance he had that I wasn’t going to smear his eco-friendly store with some expose and I said “Umm..because I’m an intern writing a fluffy piece for the style-section?” I never really had a run-in with someone who didn’t want to be interviewed but I guess it’s responsible for people to be distrustful of the big bad media. I can’t really emphasize since I just tell everyone everything and literally give strangers my debit card Pin code (true story, total accident though).

But then again, I’m not the one being interviewed.

A Rushed Post

20 Jun

So yesterday was pretty exciting. Which was why I was too tired to blog last night. Which doesn’t make any sense because instead of writing about the interesting things that happen, I blog about my trips to Starbucks. But yesterday was legit.

First, let me say that I’ve been spending a LOT of time in my car driving around all day and night and I have developed this obsession with 93.1, the country music station here. And now I know like a dozen pop-country songs by heart and I’m noticing a pattern. Many many of the female sung songs are about no-good boyfriends, cheatin’ lyin’ etc. and many of the male country singer’s songs go something like this: “I like my truck.” I know that’s not like a new concept – it’s just funny to see how even today so much of country is like “I like living in the South.” That’s the whole song! Just about how much people like living in Tennessee. Also, an unsettling thing I’ve noticed is that many country songs refer to ladies butts as “sugar-shakers.” Not even from a “THAT’S OBJECTIFYING!” point, from like are the butts the sugar? Are the pants the shaker? These are the questions that keep me up all night! 

Anyways, yesterday at work I casually brought up that I thought that the weird hemp store I wandered into on Monday would be a cool business profile story and the fashion editor liked it! I might even be able to take my own photos. So now I get to go back to this store and be like “Do you remember me..? Well, I’m still not paying $68 for a tank-top but can I take pictures of you selling them to richer people than me?” I’ll keep you posted about that.

Also yesterday was a nice blast-from-the-past feeling when I locked myself out of my apartment on my way to networking event my friend Shira invited me to. It’s for young professional Jewish ladies and I wasn’t feeling very professional sitting on my front stoop angrily berating myself for paying more attention to what granola bar I was gonna grab on my way out than whether i had my keys. Sitting in front of my residence without keys is like the story of my life, when I lived in Commons at the University of Maryland I had to rent the spare key so many times they filed me under “frequent loser” status and made me pay 50 bucks. Rude. But this story ends with me wiki-howing using a credit card to open my lock via iPhone and it worked! I was so surprised! I thought using a credit card was a movie-myth like turning on the TV right when relevant news broadcasts start and people affording apartments in NY even though they’re waiters. I felt so proud and also really really unsafe. 

So I finally made it to this Professional Ladies thing on this really cute rooftop bar in DC. It was about a dozen women standing around drinking the free water (it’s a good thing I was driving because I probably would’ve ordered some tequila – 9-2 jobs are hard ya’all). It was a little awkward since the space was small and when you finished talking to someone you’d say like “well, it was nice to meet you…” and then move 6 inches over to a different conversation. Which is what happened when I was talking to this woman who said she wrote policies for an organization to end domestic abuse and I’m like “Shouldn’t there just be the one policy? No more domestic abuse?” and she’s like “Uh…kind of…”

My friend Shira was talking to this woman when she called me over and introduced me to her saying, ” Aviva, this is Dana she’s a stand-up comedian and I think you should meet because YOU should be a stand-up comedian!” which, one is really nice and doesn’t put someone on the spot at all. Especially because I’m sure to someone professional, hearing that anyone funny can be a comedian isn’t annoying at all. Or at least, that’s what I would think but this girl was SO nice (and not at all competitively funny like a lot of comedians i know are) and she was saying hard it is to be a female comedian, that it’s such a boys club, that there’s a lot to deal with. Which OBVIOUSLY made it sound so fun, right? Like, if i was trying to convince someone to be a journalist I wouldn’t say like “Sometimes people hang up on you!” “It’s so fun, one time some Glen Burnie hick told me to get off his lawn!” “Just do it!”But stand-up is definitely something on my bucket-list so maybe when I’m like 45 I’ll give it a whirl at my retirement home (in my fantasies, anything after 30 is old age homes).

SORRY I didn’t put any pictures in this post. I’ll find one now. 

 

 

 

Image

 

Magical Starbucks Wonderland

18 Jun

So in an effort to add structure to my wayward, directionless life I decided to commit to only writing this blog on Tuesdays and Thursdays when I actually go into work, but for some reason I have a lot to say for someone who spent the hours of 10 a.m. to 5 p.m. at a Starbucks at Mt. Washington working on a paper/reading about kitschy DIY decorating tips on Buzzfeed (every so often they’ll throw in a ‘Hang up a Vintage Chandelier” like BuzzFeed readers have spare chandeliers hanging around/rooms to decorate. My parents basement is already furnished thanks very much BuzzFeed!).

Anyways, Baltimore is turning out to be filled to the brim with surprises! I thought it was all race riots and beauty parlors (I might’ve based my perception on Hairspray) but today I traveled about 2 miles from my apartment to the most DARLING little area. A Starbucks in some sort of converted warehouse, a Whole Foods and an  organic clothing store. I wandered into the clothing shop where this man who kind of looked like Jef Daniels asked me if I knew anything about hemp or soy bean pod clothing. I didn’t (surprise). He was nice and educated me a bit about how when we wear clothes made by sweatshop children, we all get in bad moods but when it’s light and organic clothes from fair-trade, we feel better!

I responded that you could never have too many soy bean dresses, but 68 dollars?! For a tie-dye tank-top!? I’ll stick to my Indonesian H&M sweatshops, tnx. But seriously, are people mad because their clothes were made by starving Chinese people? I feel pretty good when I buy new clothes, but maybe it’s all a lie? Discuss. Also I think he could tell from my face after I saw a price-tag that “I wouldn’t be supporting the store today,” but I told him I’d keep his store in mind.

But it all turned out all right because LOOK WHAT WAS OUTSIDE THE STARBUCKS:

starbucks

 

What is that? Why is there a magical fairyland in the backyard? Why is there a ladder leading you into it? How do I get to that bench? So many questions.

Waiting in line at Starbucks I was like this is so cute, people are being so sweet! Why can’t we have this in NY?! And then after waiting 13 minutes because the barista had to say hello to every single baby, and talk to everyone for a bazillion years I was like “THIS. THIS IS WHY. Because I don’t have the patience to stand here while you play peek-a-boo with every toddler. THEY’RE TODDLERS. There are literally hundreds of them. Play with them on your own damn time! I have important BuzzFeed “articles” to post on Facebook!”

Speaking of terrible transitions, I saw the new Superman movie Saturday night. I WANTED TO LIKE IT. I REALLY DID. I’M SORRY. I TRIED SO HARD. And I didn’t mean to turn this blog into ‘Aviva Reviews Movies She Knows Nothing About’ but it’s happening. I can’t stop it. The wheels are in motion. Please don’t read this if you’re worried about the ending although I don’t really know how I could even spoil it since it’s a Superman movie. There are no twists.

Thoughts:

1. Nobody in this movie acts like how a normal person would act when confronted with alien beings. Clark Kent is surprisingly cavalier when his dad tells him. Like “Oh, I’m an alien! That makes sense! I thought I was autistic since this sensory overload that happens to me in class fits kind of those symptoms but OK, this makes sense too.” And even when he comes home after meeting his dad’s alien hologram he’s like to his mom “Hey! Guess what. I met my dad! Like a ghost of him. But whatever, we’re bros now.” And his mom asks NO questions, she’s just like “I remember when you were a baby are it was really hard for you to breathe.” OKAY DOKES. Normal reaction. Moving on. Nothing to see here.

2. At some point, baby Clark Kent gets shoved off a bus where these kids are like “Is that all ya got, huh? huh?” while Clark just stares bewildered at them. Then the bully’s says “Okay bye” and like 14 kids follow him. But they’re at some welding barn and Clark’s dad comes out and he’s like “Clark are you OK?!” So these kids brought Clark to his DAD’S JOB to beat him up?! And then they walked away into a field after he didn’t respond? It was so random, I know there are no dark alleys in Kansas but there’s gotta be other places to beat someone up than their dad’s metal welding barn thing.

3. There was 160 MILLION dollars worth of product placement in this movie. And it shows. IHOP was literally a central location for the plot. I was half expecting someone to say “Oh no! Zad’s laser is pointing directly at Metropolis! He’s going to destroy Sears! And they have such great Father’s Day sales going on right now on the latest grilling and gardening tools!”

The rest is just little things like, I like how Lois Lane dresses like a reporter (i.e. button down shirts, sweater vests and grey cardigans – our official uniform), or how Zad is like “DO YOU KNOW HOW LONG IVE BEEN SEARCHING FOR YOU?” and everyone could’ve been like umm…33 years? However old Clark is? The math’s really not hard bro. Why you so mad?

 

SPOILERS OVER. (Unless it’s a spoiler that Henry Cavill’s Superman has no personality)

 

Thus concludes my angry thoughts on Superman and why baristas shouldn’t talk to toddlers…yeesh, that doesn’t sound too good. These sweatshop pajamas are getting me all moody. Time to go look at more kitschy DIY on BuzzFeed! BRB

Here’s a picture of puppies in overalls!

All better.

All better.

 

 

Star Trek – Into Benedict Cumberbatch’s Arms

13 Jun

It’s Thursday! That must mean I have an assignment due at midnight so it’s time for me to procrastinate with a blog post! Yippee!

Last night I went to see Star Trek Into Darkness, with my Baltimorian friend (hi Yael!), her boyfriend and her friend. It was her friend’s idea to see Star Trek and I agreed because 1. I didn’t want to spend the evening reading alone on the steps outside while all these young mothers from my building gave me the side-eye while playing with their kiddies and 2. Benedict Cumberbatch you guys! Sherlock! And also he was in Tinker Tailor Soldier Spy (even though I fell asleep 20 minutes into that movie and then had to endure the next hour and a half totally not following the plot even a little bit).

I’ve never seen Star Trek, not the TV show or other ST movies. I’ve only seen things in passing, like from Big Bang Theory or whatever. I know the Vulcan salute (“Did you know that was the Cohen Gadol’s thing?!? ~ every Jewish nerd ever), I know the “Dammit Jim I’m a doctor not a _____” and I know that William Shatner was Captain Kirk (side story about William Shatner. When I was 16, I had an SAT tutor named Bill who used to wear overalls, carry around a ukelele and smell like the dentist. One time he told me that he and Shatner had a public access show together in the 80’s before “Shatner killed his wife. Well, it was never proven, but she was found drowned in her pool and he was the only one home.” I’ve never looked into this.Also I got a 1240 on my SATs if you were wondering) So my thoughts on the movie are COMPLETELY unfounded – feel free to not correct me on anything. Also, spoilers maybe?

Star Trek – Into Darkness

1. I liked the movie, it was pretty entertaining. I usually run out of patience for big explosiony movies but this one for some reason didn’t make me want to check my watch every 10 minutes. Maybe because the concept of the Star Fleet and Klingons were new to me as opposed to all these superhero movies where I’m like OK, we get it, you’re Iron Man, calm down.

2. It’s oddly unsettling to see so much crying in this movie. I mean, it’s cool that we have tough sci-fi space pilots showing a lot of emotions over fwendship or something but there’s only ONE kind of crying in this movie and it’s the “eyes slowly filling up, and one blink causes one solitary tear to drift down.” Maybe people in the future only cry one tear and that’s that. It seems efficient.

crying

Everyone in this movie must cry at least 3 times. It’s in their contract.

 

3. Okay, so we’re in the future. I can dig that. Wacky hair-dos, nifty doo-dads and wheel-less cars. Fine. But WHY ARE THE WOMEN ON THE STAR FLEET WEARING FUCKING MINI-DRESSES? I know *why* they are. But aren’t they in space?  Would you expect a NASA astronaut to wear a skirt in space? When Zoe Saldana gets to wear whatever she wants to go get Benedict Cumberbatch she wears pants because that JUST MAKES MORE SENSE. Isn’t it COLD? Why are the dudes wearing long sleeves and pants? In my office, they keep the temperature like -50 degrees because the dudes are wearing suits and I get that, fine so I bring 47 cardigans and a tub of chicken soup to swim in while I’m working. If I was on the Star Fleet, I’d be like “Every staircase in this damn ship is like those plank kinds that everyone can see up ma damn skirt! Can’t I wear something more functional? Also I’m freezing can someone get me a Snuggie?” I’m kind of disappointed Snuggies aren’t the uniforms of the future but whatevs.

 

4. Maybe because I’ve never seen any other part of this franchise but I didn’t have very many loyalties to the characters and therefore AUTOMATICALLY sided with Benedict Cumberbatch (fun fact, did you know his fans are called “Cumberbitches”?) Ugh I don’t even care that he did that one-tear thing HE WAS THE BEST AT IT. Also SO many people have blue eyes in this film which is strange since I think I read somewhere that in 100 years all blue eyes and blonde hair will be gone. I might’ve made that up.

Live long and prosper CB - also hey, I knew that phrase too!

Live long and prosper CB – also hey, I knew that phrase too!

5. Also Charlie Bartlett plays Chekov in the movie and the whole time I was like “that accent is terrible! couldn’t they have gotten a REAL Russian to play it??” but I just looked him up on IMDB and apparently his name is Anton Yelchin and he’s originally from Lenningrad so that’s my B, I obviously don’t know what a Russian accent sounds like.

6. Is Scotty called Scotty because he’s Scottish? Please someone tell me that’s not why.

So, that’s all. Nothing happened at work today so much except that my boss made me delete a Tweet because it had the word “rainbowtastic” in it. I’m sorry, do you want REAL WORDS or do you want people to CLICK YOUR LINK? It was in regards to Pride Week in Baltimore and what I really wanted to say is that you’d have a gay ‘ol time if you went but I decided against it.

Also I can’t shower because I murdered a cave cricket in my shower and I need to wait a few hours to make sure it’s not just tricking me and planning to jump on me the second I try to move it.

DAMMIT NANCY

12 Jun

After a little trip up to New York for my close friend’s Bridal Shower, I am back in Maryland. This morning when I was getting dressed my sister texted me “How was the shower??” and I thought she was referring to the shower I had just stepped out of and I was like PSYCHIC POWERS. That’s life when you literally forget everything that hasn’t happened in the past hour. I’m a goldfish today. At work I was in the elevator with one of the interns and I saw that they change the newspaper they hang up in the elevator every day, so I pointed to it and said “Oh, it says June 11th, I didn’t realize they changed the…the….the thing..” and the girl said “…the …front page?” “Yes! That’s it.” Have I mentioned today that I’m a journalism major?

Anyways, driving back from NY yesterday was terrifying. For some reason it is tornado/monsoon season in Baltimore and I was in Delaware, literally unable to see anything because of the rain. I couldn’t pull over either because I was in the left lane and also I was too busy wondering if I could telepathically say good-bye to my friends and family if I slid off the road. Then my soothing country music station got cut off my “EERRNNN ERRNNN ERNN THIS IS A MESSAGE FROM THE NATIONAL WEATHER STATION THERE IS A TORNADO WARNING FOR ALL DELAWARE COUNTIES PLEASE FIND SHELTER IMMEDIATELY” which is just the thing you want to hear when you’re trying to convince yourself you won’t die because of rain. I decided to just keep going straight because it’s probably be more dangerous to change lanes or blink than to just drive the last 30 minutes. Wtf Balitmore? Stop trying to kill me all the time. I thought we were friends.

Today was the second week of working as an intern at the paper. I took the lead on some Tweets which is a tiny bit problematic because my editor has some  interesting unresolved vendetta against exclamation points and they are henceforth verboten in the office. So a Tweet about an article highlighting the best TV Dads just in time for Father’s Day comes off a little strange.

Tweet with exclamation point: “It’s almost Father’s Day and it’s time to thank that special man who helped raise and take care of you – your TV dad!”

Tweet without exclamation point: “”It’s almost Father’s Day and it’s time to thank that special man who helped raise and take care of you – your TV dad.”

The first one is clearly playful and engaging – come click this whimsical link! The second is serious, like I’m a psychopath who thought that Dr. Huxtable could hear me through the TV. (He could! He loves me!) Also the article itself was a little off, I mean Jay Pritchett from Modern Family, a best TV dad? Isn’t half the show about the psychological damage he did to his children? And I can’t take Danny Tanner seriously since reading Full House Reviewed.

After Tweeting was done, I headed over to Caramel’s pizza to meet up with a couple of friends. Did you know they have $15 all-you-can-eat Sushi on Tuesday?? Get on that bros. We also stopped at Seven Mile Market for a couple of food-related items and this place has a bunch of those teeny-tiny shopping carts for kids, which is usually adorable but since this supermarket is kosher and chock full ‘o Jews there were about 2x as many babies with carts than people with carts. At first I was like Ugh I can barely navigate full sized people+carts now I have to worry about knee-height babies and carts?! But THEN I had the BEST idea to do if I had a toddler (or ya know, if you wanna lend me one). I’d discretely fill up their baby shopping cart with booze and then when we got to the register and he/she pushed it over to me I’d act all surprised and be like “DAMMIT NANCY YOU’RE NOT BACK ON THE WAGON LIKE YOU TOLD ME! DO WE NEED ANOTHER INTERVENTION?” And bonus points if she cries because it’ll make it look more convincing.

My search for “Baby cart filled with booze” yielded this awesome shirt.

 

And this concludes my musings on tornadoes, exclamation points and hilarious tips for mothers.

 

A Totally Nonsense Post

6 Jun

I wasn’t planning on writing anything today because nothing particularly exciting happened. But now I’m sitting in a 24 hour Dunkin Donuts because I had planned to come here and watch a movie for my online class and I forgot my headphones! And the movie doesn’t have subtitles. And I already took my laptop out and ordered a latte so here I shall stay. So, I will write up a top 10 list of Top Ten Things I am Thinking About Right At This Moment:

1. Is it sexist of me to wait until a girl sits near me at a cafe to ask if she can watch my stuff? I learned in Criminology 101 that the greatest indicator of crime commit-ers is the sex of the person, or something. I got a C in Crim. One day a girl is going to steal my shit and I will be proven to be a sexist and I will be a sad panda.

2. Dunkin Donuts is now selling “Frozen Hot Chocolate.” I TOTALLY had that idea a couple of years ago but then I realized that that that was just chocolate milk. Apparently no one told DD. Also I should have patented it.

3. Today when I came into work a reporter I had met yesterday jokingly called out “Wow! You came back!” I don’t really understand why all these writers are trying to make it seem like working there sucks. It’s awesome, there’s free cinnabuns and I spent a good chunk of yesterday reading the rantings of elderly people on the Zits comic comments section. Maybe it’s just a way of slightly hazing me like we’re in a gang. Well too bad because you can’t make me quit I AM THERE FOR LOVE AND CLEARLY NOT MONEY.

4. This lady walking through DD has thick white socks and clogs. I feel like it’s my civic duty to judge her.

5. This quote by George Bernard Shaw: “Life does not cease to be funny when people die any more than it ceases to be serious when people laugh.”

6. Ughghhh…why did I say I would write ten things? That is clearly way too many things going on in my brain. I can do like 3 things tops.

7. This picture

sits

8. GODDAMN YOU ZACH FROM COMCAST WHY CAN’T YOU SET UP MY WIFI LIKE A NORMAL HUMAN BEING? CAN’T YOU SEE THAT I AM GOING CRAZY WITHOUT IT? AACHHH I HOPE YOU ORDER SOMETHING FROM AMAZON THEN YOU DON’T SEE THE EMAIL THAT IT WAS CANCELLED SO YOU WAIT AND WAIT AND IT NEVER COMES. XXXGGMMRRTSSFHSG.

9. One time I went to firefighter training camp for one whole day because I worked for the city of NY and they let us do cool stuff. We got to wear all the gear and it was a trillion degrees outside. The  big burly fire-chief was like there’s ONE rule, don’t leave your gloves anywhere, anyone who leaves his gloves anywhere will pay a penalty. Then we went to put out some simulated car fire and as we were leaving he was like WHO LEFT THEIR GLOVES BY THE FIRE?! And I looked down at my gloveless hands and sheepishly raised one. “Do 10 push-ups!” he barked at me. “Okay…OR how about all 10 of us do ONE push-up?” i offered. “Are you negotiating with me?!” he yelled. “Um…okay we won’t do that. How about I just do 5 instead?” and he sighed and said OK since I must have looked like I was about to cry. So then I had to do 5 pathetic push-ups with my stupid weak arms in front of all these strangers with all my heavy gear and even that WASN’T AS PAINFUL AS WAITING TWO MORE DAYS FOR WIFI.

10. Should I get a donut?

Too Much Power for My Tiny Brain

5 Jun

I am finally settled into my apartment in Baltimore! If your definition of “settled” is empty Target bags akimbo and towels haphazardly flung on an armchair. SUCCESS.

I moved in yesterday and spent the day putting away my stuff and calling Zach from Comcast to set up my Wifi. I know his name is Zach and he’s from Tennessee. For some reason when Comcast needs a second to look up something they start asking you how your day’s been going which was pretty nice since I hadn’t talked to a friend/other human all day. When he finally found my address to see if it was serviceable, he asked “What kind of internet do you need?”

Me: Umm..like normal internet? Basic I guess…

Zach: Well what will you be doing with it?

Me: Facebook. Maybe some Twitter. Normal Internet. I’m not hacking into any government websites or anything.

Zach: Well you did say you were a journalist in DC

Me: Yeah, well I’m not that good…yet.

Today was my first day at The Newspaper I am working at. In classic Aviva fashion I got there 45 min early and decided to visit the coffee shop across the street I waited in for an hour in April when I was crazy early for my interview at The Newspaper. It was owned by this Asian lady who, when I asked to use the bathroom, glanced at me and asked if I was going to try to  take a shower. Ouch.  She also asked me why I was taking an hour to drink tea and I said that I was waiting to interview at The Newspaper across the street. She nodded and said, “You’ll get it, everyone who comes in here beforehand gets the job.” It was encouraging even though I looked homeless to her apparently. Today, I wandered in and ordered tea again. She looked at me and said “You look familiar…” and I told her I had been there a couple of months ago before the interview and got the job! Just like she said! She just nodded some more and said “I told you. I told you.” And walked away. She didn’t seem too impressed with her psychic abilities. I really like the café though. It has two floors, the second has like a 16 square foot hole in it, with a gate around it that overlooks the cash register on the bottom. Then, when food is ready from the kitchen upstairs they lower it to the front register in a basket. It’s awesome. I want to live there and have people give me food via basket-service.

At 10, I crossed the street and walked into The Newspaper offices. While waiting for my supervisor I met the Other Intern I’ll be working with. She’s also a journalism major at UMD and when I mentioned that I didn’t know anyone where I lived in Baltimore she immediately told me that she lived close to me and that some of her friends were around for the summer. You just don’t see that kind of mildly-offering-strangers-to-hang-out-attitude these days.  But during the course of the day I realized that we had a lot in common such as a disdain for College Park’s dirty stab bar Cornerstone, a fondness for travel and an extremely limited understanding of The Newspaper’s building layout as we both got lost in the vast offices in our mission to find the cafeteria (we never did, we decided to just go back up to the mini cafeteria by our desks).

As for the actual work today, it was pretty minimal. After our Supervisor introduced us around to other reporters (“Haha, are you sure you wanna work here?” “Try to have fun!” “Watch out! (Supervisor) abuses her interns!” said some jokingly, I hope), we just spent the day getting acquainted with the site. We were given stories to Tweet out. Maybe the most stressful thing I had to do. All I had to do was write a little something about June food festival and click send but my brain was all 50,000 people follow this Twitter! What if you accidently wrote the word fuck and you can’t see it! Is that how you spell June?! Check again! Again! This is too much power for my tiny brain! It took me about 20 minutes to send out four Tweets.

At 4 o’clock, I left. I was only supposed to work until 3 but they had scheduled the meeting for 3 which consisted of the reporters from different departments talking about their upcoming stories. Other Intern and I sat in the corner and clutched our pens and notebooks even though we had nothing to write down and nothing really pertained to us. I was worried someone was going to call on me to ask if I had a story to pitch and I was going to say something ridiculous like “Um, let’s talk about those Kars 4 Kids jingles – are they doing more harm than good? Because every time I hear it, it makes me want to drive my car off a cliff so the kids can’t have it.”

*A fun fact about The Newspaper is that the Netflix show House Of Cards is filmed there. As we passed the fake cubicles where they shoot it, Supervisor mentioned that we were to ignore actors if we saw them and pretend like they weren’t being all Kevin Spacey or something. Yeah, who wants to start the pool of how long it’ll be before I like, trip and fall on Kate Mara?

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